Week Thus Far

Snack Food Industry Launches Pro-Marijuana Initiative

Representatives from Frito-Lay, Old Dutch, Nestle, Cadbury, Ben & Jerry's, and at least two dozen other snack food corporations have assembled to raise public interest and sway government opinion on the legalization of marijuana.

"It is a cause that we all feel very passionate about", said Frito-Lay spokesman Russ Levin, "We are tired of seeing young men and women penalized for using a substance that grows naturally on our planet. We make our living off of potatoes and corn, and we see no reason why any other plant should be stigmatized over another. My competitors and I all agree, this vilification of marijuana must end."

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Hippie saves humanity from itself with daring lifestyle change

WINNIPEG- The fate of the human race was re-written Saturday as Wolseley resident, Craig Ward, resolved to use patchouli oil in place of regular deodorant, setting humanity on a course of sustainable co-habitation with the earth and all it's creatures.

The announcement comes as bad news to authority figures everywhere, who were hoping to destroy the environment with bituminous run-off, while simultaneously deadening peoples minds with Friends spin-offs and vajazzling.

“Natural deodorant! Our one weakness!” said BP Energy CEO Robert Dudley.

Equally devastated by the news are fast-food restaurant chains, car dealerships, and the suburbs.

Ward's purchase is good news to the rest of humanity, however, who were unknowingly rescued from the talons of greed, pollution, and processed meat.

Ward has been at the forefront in the fight against mainstream everything. His new life-style choice is the latest in a string of heroic sacrifices made for the greater-good that include home-brewing, hemp garments, and not wearing shoes.

To this point, Ward's life-style changes have yielded mixed results in terms of their fat-cat fighting abilities. His late-night fire-spinning, for example, attracted moderate crowds, but did not garner the media attention he anticipated. While, on the other hand, his June 2009 purchase of a tie-dye tee-shirt sent the price of crude oil plummeting to it's lowest levels in a decade, and is thought to have been the driving force behind General Motors' 2010 decision to dissolve it's Hummer brand of SUVs.

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Crime Reported, RCMP has "no idea"

Late last week, Steinbach RCMP received a call about a possible crime in-progress. The report was called in by some lady who thought she saw something “going on”. She said something about a weapon, or drug paraphernalia, or crude literature, or something. The report doesn't get into details because, as the police have stated, “there aren’t any.”

The lack of details has led to wild speculation from the media and the general public. Some people think that what is ‘going on’ could be an underground dog fighting ring. Others think it was probably just some kids playing wall-ball.

Recent editorials in the Winnipeg Sun have made claims that the crime was probably an NDP child labour camp funded by taxpayers dollars.

Police have repeatedly stated that they have no idea what is ‘going on’, and have felt next to no desire to do anything about it.

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Winnipeg Jets' Bryan Little fulfills sick boy's wish

Winnipeg Jets star and reading advocate Bryan Little visited the Riverbend Community School on Monday with teamate Andrew Ladd to help promote "book learnin'" in celebration of "I Love To Read Month," and also because they're a swell couple of young men.

While Ladd busied himself with magazines, Little came across one very special young boy named Timmy Frasier, who had a special request for the Jets' forward.

Timmy explained that he was sick and that the Winnipeg Jets have been his favourite team his whole life (a fact I greatly suspected of its integrity after this intrepid reporter discovered that Timmy was not in fact 6 months old, hence he must have existed longer than his supposed "life long favourite" team). 

The Jets were playing the defending Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins that same evening and tiny Timmy asked Little to (in Timmy's exact words) "score two goals including the game-winner and an insurance marker in the third to secure the victory and place the Jets two points closer to the eighth place playoff berth on the cusp of an 8-game stand on home ice."

Little made a vow to that sick young fan and he accomplished it to the letter that evening.
Did getting his wish help Timmy's health? Well, only 24 hours later Timmy's cold had completely dissapeared. Call it fate that Timmy got to meet this superstar. I prefer to call it "courage" since Timmy dared to attend class that day despite having to blow his nose on occasion. God bless us, everyone.

Classic Katz generator

President refuses calls for re-count as post-election riots grip retirement community

ORANGEVILLE, Ontario – For a third straight day riots gripped the Orangewood Lakes retirement community as incumbent president, Ed Weiss, resisted calls from opposition leaders for a re-count following this week's Board of Directors election.

Weiss claimed victory in the planned community's vote, Monday, in what monitoring groups are calling a “very flawed” election process.

According to the Carter Center's head monitor, Christine DeLay, many were unable to cast ballots as the vote was held on Bridge Night.

As well, too few polling stations caused hours-long waits for those who did show up to vote.

“Coupons for 20% off slacks at K-Mart were given to voters, under the auspices of encouraging voter turn-out,” says DeLay, “But, that created such long line-ups that many never made it to the cubicle before polls closed.”

Weiss' challenger, Hattie Barton, has also claimed victory in Monday's election.

The President's refusal of a re-count has sparked running battles in the streets of Orangewood Lakes between police and opposition supporters.

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